So. Today was supposed to be the day. I was going to show the picture of the positive pregnancy test, and it would be just past 3 months and safe to announce my pregnancy, something we have been wanting for so long, but had been so elusive. But. I can’t do that, because I lost the pregnancy back at the end of February, so now I’m 0/2. Haven’t felt much like blogging. Haven’t felt much like knitting, or taking pictures of knitting, or even reading other’s blogs. In fact, if Bloglines hadn’t had a reset last week, you would see that I haven’t read anything in over a month. Just kinda checked out, I guess.
At work, it’s easy. I work off a queue that’s prepared for me, and I just work on the defects or enhancements as they come into the queue. I have plenty to keep me busy and my mind full.
At home, not so much. My mind is just empty. If you know me, that’s not normal. In a normal minute, my mind is like this: “That banana I had for breakfast was tasty.” “Monkeys are funny.” “My hand is cold.” “Was Leoben lying when he told Roslin that Adama was a Cylon? What if he was talking about Lee? Is Starbuck an angel? She had that “be not afraid” air about her.” (Sometimes I get stuck on a thought). But lately, it’s been “__”.
I haven’t felt much like cooking, or eating even, so my poor husband has been left to fend for himself most nights.
But I think I’m coming back. I had a bit of a house purge after the body purge. Bought a new bed. Put all the baby books away for later. Vacuumed under and behind stuff that hasn’t been touched in a while. Cleaned up the craft room. Kept going to every weekly Stitch n’ Bitch meeting just to have something to do, somewhere to be, even though I haven’t participated that much. At least I was there. At least I knit a bit while I am there, so I made a little progress on a huge project.
I think I’m back because I knitted a bit on Friday night, and last night I started a pair of socks too. I’m not just a lump, flying through books so there is something in my head instead of nothing. I’m starting to get that busy in the head feeling, so that must mean something, right? I’m making what looks to be an excellent new recipe for dinner, which I’ll post about over here later, and let you know how it turns out.
I think I’m back because I can write about it, even if no one can tell me what’s wrong, that it happens to 40% of pregnancies over age 35, that there’s nothing I could have done. Maybe writing it down will make it easier to believe it…again.
adnohr blog
an ongoing failure in paying attention
Oh Rhonda…I am so sorry for your loss. I really am. I am happy to see that you are working towards getting back to normalcy, no matter how difficult. Of course, I am here, if you need me.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a lonely, very hard thing no matter when, where or why. Be gentle on yourself, OK?
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Rhonda.
Thanks, I appreciate the kind words.
That totally sucks. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh, Rhonda, I am so sorry for your loss. What a truly brave soul you are!
I have a friend whose 5th try (after four miscarriages) is turning 5 in July. Please don’t give up trying!
Hugs
Monika
So sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Don’t give up. All of us SnB’ers will be praying for you.
I was thinking of you today and came here and found this. My thoughts are with you.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Please don’t give up hope. We were surprised when I tested positive weeks after our first attempt to get pregnant, and the ultrasound indicated we might be twins. We were so excited we told everyone, not realizing that it’s more than just old wives’ tale to wait until the first trimester is over. Then I had a msicarriage on week 10 in November 2005. We’ve been trying ever since, and consulted two different fertility doctors. All our tests showed normal, but we were prepared to go through with IUI because I turned 40 last October. Anyway, our current doctor thought we should try using a combination of Clomid and ovulation predictor kit, before going for an invasive procedure like IUI. And it was officially confirmed by a blood test this afternoon that I’m 4 weeks pregnant. Since we don’t know what caused my miscarriage (very likely stress), the doctor also suggested progesterone supplementation to improve our chances until the placenta has developed to nourish the pregnancy. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.
I’m so sorry Rhonda–but I agree with you that knitting and writing again is a good sign. I’m thinking of you!